R2P2D32/35 - Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

February 2, 2012

Round 2, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 32/35

Happy Groundhog Day!  Where I live, I should be calling it GroundFOG day, since it's SO foggy today.

Want to know who's not in a fog?  Yours truly ... me.  I am SO clear-minded about starting Phase 3 (proteins) on Monday.  I am literally counting the days.  The clock can't move fast enough.  Tick tock tick tock!

I went grocery shopping last night and got a bunch of protein (eggs, ground sirloin, strip steaks for correction days that I hope I don't need this Round of P3, cheese, cottage cheese, cream cheese, celery, cauliflower, cream, olives, kippers, tuna, crab).  I can't wait to eat this food!  I even splurged with Crumpets again this time.  I'm going to try them with butter, devonshire clotted cream and homemade grape jelly from my friend Denise -- in the end of Phase 3 just like last time.  Last time, I could eat them like that (1 a day) and not gain an ounce.  Man, I love crumpets.  Mmmmmm, crumpets are so yum... wait, I've distracted myself. 

This is what you tune in to see.  I lost 0.3 pounds this morning, bringing my grand total to 54.5.  I know that little tracker got your hopes up that it was a nice, round 55, but it rounded up.  Silly tracker.

Okay, on to business.  I promised myself (and you, dear reader) that I was going to be completely transparent in my weight-loss journey.  I did say it was going to be good, bad and ugly.  It's right over there in the info/bio section.  It's like a disclaimer for me to be a little batty.  Well, here's an ugly part.  I hope you're sitting down.  It's not good news. 

I wore a dress to work today (a maroon sweater dress that goes down to my knees) with almost knee high boots.  I've never worn it before.  Well, walking in, 3 of my (female) coworkers literally said, "WOW!" when they saw me.  I was stunned, embarrassed, and, well, rather pleased.  But, mostly embarrassed.  Then, one of them (the only one who knows I'm doing this & has been encouraging me all along), asked me to do a spin.  When I did, her mouth gaped open and she said, "JULIA?  You look awesome!"  She's a pretty straight-shooter, so I know (in my head) that she wouldn't say that if she didn't mean it.  Okay, what comes next is why I'm sharing this.  I started to bustle away (to get AWAY from the compliments?!?!) and immediately I noticed that I started to discount the compliments in my head.  HUH?  Yep.  I have a problem believing compliments about anything regarding my physical appearance.  Lovely.  I want them but I don't trust them?  Uh, yah.  Nice work, Julia.  What can I say?  I'm an enigma, wrapped around a riddle (I don't remember what movie I ripped that off from ... 50 bonus points if you do). 

This distrust of compliments on my physical appearance is NOT something I am proud of.  I remember being around the age of 20 and one of my friends paid me a compliment.  I don't even remember what it was about.  But, this I remember like it happened yesterday.  Up came my compliment armour and I brushed it off like I always do (probably by making a joke about myself).  He looked me straight in the face and said, "Do you think I'm a liar?  Because when you don't accept my compliment, you're telling me you think I'm a liar."  Yowsah.  Of course, 20 years later, I'm just realizing I'm still doing it.  MAJOR yowah. 

I wonder if there's a support group hotline for people who want, but distrust sincere compliments?  What would that be called?  The Self Hate Hotline, otherwise known as SHH (Get it? Shhhhhh). 

Well, no more!  When I compliment someone, I mean it.  I'm going to start paying people the courtesy of believing them and not running away when they compliment me (I did that to you last Friday night, didn't I, JoEllen?).   I'm going to start praying about it (and if you want to pray with me about it, I'd much appreciate it!).  That way, if another compliment comes in (and I promise, I am not begging for one now), I'll mentally say, "Get behind me" to the little voice whispering, "that means you looked REALLY bad before" or "they don't mean it" or "you can't keep up the good work."  I'm going to start gracefully accepting one compliment at a time.  If you feel led to pay me one, I hope you hold me accountable if you see me trying to side-step it with sarcasm or run away or deflect it with a negatively cloaked, "I have a long way to go."  I believe, at this point, the only acceptable thing for me to say is a graceful, "thank you."'  If I don't do that, I want you to punch me.  Wait.  Scratch that.  Just give me "the" look.  You know?  The one that means, "Knock it off, Julia"  See, I'm giving you permission to boss me around.  I don't give those free passes out very often.  : )

I promise I'm not certifiably nuts.  I'm just cooooky.  Of course, you already know that.  : )