Apples, Apples, Apples!

Round 12 (R12), Phase 2 (P2), Day 15 of 24

 

May 22, 2014

I'm doing my R12 apple day today.  Not because I've stopped losing.  I'm actually having the 2nd best Round ever (Round 1 beat this one, but that's normal for HCG -- Round 1 is always the best).  I'm breaking the rules -- apple days are used to break a stall in P2, and I'm not stalled.  I'm going "rogue" because I have to eat, and I simply cannot stomach the idea of eating another vegetable.  I am sick of food. Sick. Of. Food. Did you ever think you'd hear those words uttered from this mouth? I didn't.

 

I'm aware that this is SUCH a white-bread American problem to have.  There are starving people in Africa. And China. And Peoria. I'm not complaining.  "Oh gee, I'm fat because I eat too much and woe is me that I have to deny myself goodies to get healthy."  Yep.  I get the selfishness in that statement.  And, really, I'm not making it, or complaining.  I literally am stating what my stomach has been telling me since about Day 3 (I'm on Day 15).  I cannot eat another vegetable today.  Unless I want to throw up.  And, I'm pretty sure that's not great on this diet too.  I may only get 500 calories a day, but that's because HCG gets the other 2,000 calories from stored fat cells.  It won't burn if I don't eat.  So, eat I must.

 

That's why I'm eating apples today.  My 1 apple day I give myself a Round.  What a weird thing to say (like I'm saying, "I like snowflakes").

 

This Round is like my snowflake Round.  It's completely different than all of the others before it.  

 

First, I have no appetite.  I've skipped some food -- usually veggies -- from over 1/2 of my meals since I've been on this Round.  In the last 8 or so Rounds, I felt like I'm licking my plate clean.  Second, I have no cravings.  None.  I mean, if you gave me nothing to eat for 3 weeks, I'd probably be happier.  Third, this Round is a record breaker.  I'm not stressed, I'm not dying to eat other food.  I'm not chasing a number on the scale.  And, I'm still beating 10 other Rounds.  Fourth ... well, actually, I'm stunned by the first 3, so I'll stop there.

 

I've lost 18.1 pounds in 15 days.

 

It makes me smile to think that 2 short weeks ago, I couldn't fit into the clothes I'm wearing.  Well, I fit in them, but I SHOULDN'T have been wearing them in public.  This weekend, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought there should be more in this spot or that spot, and realized, "Oh yeah, I'm losing weight."  It's probably not noticeable to anyone but me, but I'll take it!

 

So, not counting tonight's feast of up to 3 apples (I've choked down 3 today), I have 16 meals left before I can put olive oil on my blessed lettuce.  I can do this!  It's only:

• 16 pieces of fish
• 16 pieces of fruit (I usually eat 1 orange and 1 apple a day)
• 16 grissini (those little Italian breadsticks)
• 8 Tbs of milk (1 Tbs a day allowed)
• 16 vegetables

Notice I wrote vegetables last?  Vegetables.  I'm not talking about yummy versions, with butter or cheese or olive oil.  I mean as much PLAIN lettuce or celery or cucumbers as I can stomach / errr, uh, enjoy.  Plain.  Dry.  Try getting garlic or pepper to stick to dry veggies.  I dare you.  I have to eat another cucumber in the next 9 days, I just might go postal on someone.

 

So, since my food choices are made for me for the next -- say it with me -- 9 days, I need to spend the rest of my time thinking about how I'm going to stick these losses.  My dear (truly non judgmental friend, Linda) asked me last week, "What are you going to do to stick these losses?"  Good question, my sage friend.  I've decided, regardless of what the diet says (no exercise for the first 1-2 weeks of P3), I'm exercising after 48 hours in P3.  Come what may!  I'd rather gain because of exercise than lack of it.  Saturday, June 7, I'm getting on my bike, or hiking.  Mark that on your calendars.  It should be a national holiday.  National Julia Gets To Exercise Day.  I wonder if Hallmark has a card for that?  

 

My plan is to do sit ups and arm lifts, hike, cycle, and, I hope, run on a treadmill a bit.  I've never run in my life, but have always wanted to.  Wishing to do it won't make it happen.  Why not?  This "don't exercise" thing hasn't really been working out well for me.  And, while I'm not hungry for food, I actually AM hungry to exercise.  I mean it ... I FEEL hungry for it.

 

In the meantime, "Let her eat apples!"  I can't say, "Let them eat cake" because I can't have cake.  But, you already knew that.

When it rains, it pours!

Round 12 (R12), Phase 2 (P2), Day 10 of 24

May 22, 2014

Two posts in two days, after 10 months of silence?  Wow.  I guess I do have something to say, afterall!

Yesterday was a very busy day (home from work at 6, out by 6:40 to see my Dad sing in a local concert -- hi, Dad!).  And yet, I still went down 0.6 in the morning.  I'll take that.

This Round has been a pretty much uneventful one.  I don't mean the scale isn't moving in the right direction.  It is.  But, mentally, I'm in the "keep moving" zone.  I'm not feeling extra pumped, and I'm certainly not feeling fatigued.  It is what it is (one of my favorite go-to phrases, I've been told).  Many of the other Rounds (the ones with the Miracle Skinny Drops) had me feeling -- well, a bit mentally desperate to "beat" my weight, or to race to the end.  I didn't realize it at the time.  I just figured it was because I'd done more Rounds, and my mind wasn't as "in it" anymore.  Well, here I am, calmly cruising through in Round 12, much like I felt in Rounds 1 and 2.  Maybe I was a little more excited in those Rounds (because I wasn't re-losing the weight), but you get my point.

I liken it to this analogy: having children.  For those of you who have had more than 1 child.  The first child, everything is new (and frightening!) because you've never had to awaken in the wee hours of the morning to feed a crying baby.  Every burp is cute.  Every poop a masterpiece.  By the second or fifth or tenth child, it's still very good, but you've done it before.  Some of the shine and scare is gone.

That's where I am.

I've done this before.  You know that.  I'm aware that this diet is a gift (much like children are).  It doesn't mean I LIKE every minute of it (just like parents don't always like their kids -- come on, admit it), but I love that I am able to do this diet (just like parents love their kids).  I'm choosing to like AND love it.

So it's Day 10 and I'm down 14.5 from my loading weight.  I've got a way to go before I'm back to my lowest ever in this diet.  And, to be frank, I won't get there this time.  But, you know what?  I'm not even looking at that number anymore.  I'm going by what it feels like to be comfortable in my clothes.  I'm thankful I don't feel stuffed.  I'm happy in the knowledge that the scale will probably show me a number in the morning that is lower than today.  That's enough.  That's more than enough.  That's plenty.

14 days from now will be my last in Round 12 P2.  Yep, I'll be glad it's done.  But, I view these 24 days as a bit of a fast -- a fast from being ruled by my stomach.  Because, after 3 days of eating 3.5 ounces of fish two times a day, with either plain tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce or asparagus, believe me, my stomach doesn't enter into this.  I used to envy those people who would say that they had to FORCE themselves to eat (who are these devilish people?!).  But, now I get it.  It's no fun.  I know I HAVE to eat this stuff, even when my tastebuds scream for some olive oil, salt and pepper on the lettuce, or a nice mouthful of hamburger with guacamole and grilled mushrooms and onions.  You know what I do?  I just close my eyes, and pretend, with every bite (and, trust me, there aren't many in these 24 days) that I'm eating whatever my tastebuds want.  And, for some reason, it works.

That puts me right back at the saying my friend Linda planted in my brain 2 years ago:

Fake it, til you make it.

Roger that.

Admit it, you thought I gave up, didn't you?

Round 12 (R12), Phase 2 (P2), Day 9 of 24

 

May 21, 2014

Why have I been silent on this site? There have been a couple of reasons, really. First, I didn't have much to say that you hadn't already heard me say about weight loss (still plugging away, on the same 25 pounds). Second, I honestly forgot about it. Yep. Literally forgot I had a blog. Third, when I would remember, "Oh, hey, I have a blog!" I would realize I didn't know how to log in anymore (google changed the log in address). So, today, I took the plunge, and an actual 30 minute lunch break (novel idea) and tried to navigate my way in. And, here I am.

 

Ta da!

I hope you aren't expecting much.  So, here's the scoop. I've been busy living. Just like you have been. And, some days (meals, moments), I've fought the good fight. Other times, I haven't. So, it's resulted in me losing and gaining and losing and gaining (etc., etc., etc.) the same 25 pounds. So, as of 10 days ago, when I started Round 12 (yep, that's not a typo), I had successfully kept off 60 pounds from my highest starting weight. But, then that pesky 25 pounds keeps falling off and leaping back on. That's the nice way of saying, "I give into sloth and gluttony" from time to time. And yet, I plug on.

 

One of the decisions I made early on was to dump all of the clothes that I shrank out of.  I'm SO glad I made that decision.  It has helped me keep going, when I gain some back, and start to feel like a sausage in my clothes.  I am absolutely NOT going to buy bigger clothes.  I have some smaller ones that I bought on MASSIVE sale, and I am going to shrink into those.  So, being cheap has its advantages in weight loss.  Who knew?

Okay, so almost a year has come and gone.  I think it's closer to 10 months.  So, what has this year brought? Well, it's brought lots of time with the kiddies and adults I love. With that comes less sleep, lots of time living from calendar event to calendar event, which, in my life, sometimes leads to poor food choices. But, that's MY problem. I wouldn't trade any of the time spent with people I love for those 25 pounds or 250 pounds.

What else has the year brought? For those of you who talk to me frequently, you know, my Gram turned 100 almost 2 weeks ago. I'm pretty proud of her. Isn't she cute?

 

I’ve gotten into a routine with Samuel and Benjamin that includes sleepovers and baths and clean clothes and daycare and daily schedules for summer care (and rides to and from said summer care) and dentist appointments and kindergarten registrations and Sunday School and mixing up meds at night that were meant for the morning.  Yes, I’ve done it all.  Almost.  I’ve got a lot of dirty stuff around and in my toilet, but my home is a happy haven for two little boys (and hopefully more) who need it.  And that makes me happy.

I guess that makes my Mary Poppins Halloween costume apropos (which is why I picked it – England lover and lover of kiddies).

Work has come and gone and come again.  Four reorganizations, two bosses, two Vice Presidents and seven people in and out of my team (with currently the oddest, and most difficult personality mix I’ve had yet).  And, I’m comfortable.  God has done a miracle in my life.  I am okay with not knowing the end result of … well, almost anything.  Almost.

I started Round 12 back to the old drops that I used in the first two (my most successful) Rounds.  I feel awesome (way better than with the “new” drops I used in the other Rounds.  No mental fatigue.  Yes, the food is boring on Day 9, but the weight loss isn’t (13.9 pounds).  I have 15 days left, and I’m excited to see where I end up, and how I will keep it off.  It’s basically going to be a moment by moment journey, for the rest of my life.  I have to remember that.  There’s no shame in saying it.  So, let me say it again.

I will struggle with food every moment of every day for the rest of my life.

And, I’m okay with that.

Why?

Because the alternative is to give up.  I’m NOT okay with that. 

I’m letting God do His work in me.  One of the hardest things for a human being (or at least, THIS human being) to do is to wait.  God knows that about me – I hate waiting.  I will act, buy, talk, drive, plan, eat, worry … just to avoid waiting.  Well, He’s been working in me – seriously a miracle in me – to be not just comfortable, but happy and at peace, in the chaos of no answers.  He gently nudged me to be okay with this, for example:

Yep, that was Mothers Day 2014.  And it was Chris’ idea.  Go ahead and rub your eyes.  You aren’t seeing things (in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “And that’s all I’ve got to say about that”).

So, He's working a miracle in me, inside and out.  I'm not giving up on me.  He sure won't, so if the Creator of the universe isn't giving up on me, what makes me think I have the right?  I’m still eager to see how God created me to look, once I lose all of the weight. We’ll see.  At least, I hope it’s better than this from when I started this journey 2.5 years ago: