R3P2D4/24 - Prayerful success

April 12, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 4 of 24

I didn't cry at (or because of) work today.  I think that's the first day in over 3 weeks (not just work days, week days) that I have been able to hold it together.  I did get tears in my eyes during one meeting with a former coworker.  I've realized, it usually happens when someone tells me that I am or I'm going to do great and/or that God is on my side.  I immediately lose it.  But, that's okay, because that must be God's way of helping me grieve this HUGE change in my life.  And, get past the fear.  By facing it.  Yes, I know that probably seems strange.

Anyway, I didn't cry today.  I consider that a major success.  Especially since I was in meetings straight from 7:30 - 3:00 ... all different meetings, all telling me things that seem like Greek to me, that I have to do or that I'm responsible for (meaning, my team is, which means, the buck stops with me).  I held it together.  I ate lunch at 3:30 again today (just like yesterday).  I haven't eaten dinner yet (it's 7:45), but I plan on eating when I get off of here.

So, my weigh in today was 1.5 pounds down.  That brings my weight loss this round to a total of 10.2 pounds in 4 days.  That's the best first 4 days in all three Rounds.  That makes me happy, because I felt like I scratched and screamed for every ounce off in Round 2.

I'm positive that it will slow down soon.  I'm okay with whatever.  The great thing about being stressed ... I don't have enough mental energy to spend on fretting about other things.  Funny.  Of course, will my tune change when I stall or gain?  Yah, maybe.  Maybe not.  God is my Rock.  Whom shall I fear?  No one!  Whom can harm me?  No one!  I think I need to stop listening to what the enemy whispers to me.  "You are going to fail at this job."  "You aren't smart, so you won't be able to remember things like Such-and-Such-Ding-A-Ling-Dong did."  "You won't keep losing weight because you'll do something wrong."  "You're driving everyone nuts by being all me-me-me and asking for prayer."

The truth is, I have never, ever felt so surrounded by love and support.  Every one of you reading this me-me-me blog, has expressed unlimited support and love and have told me you are praying for me.  WOW.  What a complete blessing!  I wouldn't have experienced that without this trial.  The closest I have come to it was when I had uterine cancer -- so many people came out of the woodwork to express love for me.  Funny how I was filled with peace and hope then.  This feels like the exact opposite, but I know that's a lie because the outcome will be the same -- GOD WILL PROTECT ME.  I just have to remind myself of that minute by minute.  I think, at this time, I am my own worst enemy, because I keep believing the negative thoughts and fear.

So, the long and short (too late) of it is, please keep praying.  Thank you for loving me through this.  Thank you for praying and putting up with me. 

Oh, I just remembered this.  That meeting I had today with a former coworker?  She hasn't seen me since, maybe January.  At the end she said, rather sheepishly, "Have you lost some weight?"  I said, "Yep.  61.2 pounds."  She said, "I KNEW IT!"  Funny that people are sensitive in asking about weight-loss.  They don't want to offend me.  I think it's sweet.  It obviously doesn't offend me.  I know I don't look "great" -- but I do look different, and, different is better.  I actually ran into a friend of a friend 2 weeks ago, in a little tea shop.  When we rounded the corner and saw each other, we both jumped.  I said, "Hi!  I wasn't expecting to see anyone I knew!"  She said, "I absolutely did not recognize you!"  I guess I'm in a weight-loss (witness) relocation program.

I wonder if I could lose enough weight where I could go back to my old job and they wouldn't notice I was there?  (smirk)