R3P2D14/24 - Stand firm

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 14/24

April 22, 2012

This morning, I moved (inched is more like it) past the 66.6 pound off mark.  I'm officially at 66.7.  Whew!  What a load off.  :-)  Just kidding.

It's 9:40 p.m. on Sunday night -- and my stomach is doing flip flops.  Yes, because of work.  What's new, huh?  I'm sorry that I just keep whining on and on about it.  I want nothing more (right now) than to be able to answer peoples' kind and hopeful inquiries ("Is it getting better?") than with a hearty, "Yes & Hallelujah!"  But, I can't.  It's not getting any better.  It will be okay for a time, sometimes a day, then WHAM!  It sinks back in.  I don't know why I can't seem to get my heart into the right place.  I am praying and I feel closer to God than ever before.  THAT rocks.  Honestly.  I don't want that to change.  But, what I am praying will change is the feeling that I've signed away my life for the next 3 - 5 years.  It's been almost 2 months since I accepted the job offer, and almost a month that I've been uber-freaked about it.  How will I be able to live through 3 - 5 years of this job commitment?

I know God is my strength, and honestly, that is THE only thing that is keeping me from the loony bin.  I'm scared.  I'm dreading work.  Not because of the people.  But, because of what I can see that I have to do.  Being out of Cat Communications for 2 years, and now getting into it again?  It's taught me that I do not, in any way, like Cat Communications.  That's ridiculous, I know.  I have 10 years of experience in it at Cat.  I was an English major (and schooled to be an English teacher).  And, I don't want to work in Cat Communications anymore.  Lovely.  But, I have no idea (ZERO!) about what I would want to do at Cat.  In a company of over 120,000+ employees, and right now, I can't think of a single job at my middle-management range that I would be excited (happy, even just content) to do.  It's so hard for me to articulate it, which tells me, this is 100% irrational.  And, I know it's just a feeling, and Satan uses feelings to prey upon us.  "It will always feel this way."  "You will fail."  "You will be miserable every day until you quit this job."  Those are thoughts that are surrounding my brain, unless I hold every thought captive.

You know what I was thinking about as I was getting ready for church this morning?  I was thinking, for the 1st time in the almost 14 years I've worked at Cat, "I could quit Cat, cash in the little I have in my 401k, pay off my student loan, sell my house and get a job at Barnes & Noble."  Wahuh?  Yep.  I was REALLY plotting that.  Really, Julia?  Really?  Then, I got to church, and Pastor Ritch was talking about 1 Peter 5:8-9:

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

 ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

Um, yeah.  I think I better be alert to the prowling that's happening around this in my life.

So, onto the breach.  I'm stubborn.  I'm German and Swedish.  We don't give up (maybe even when we should).  But, I'm not going to.  I've got God on my side.  What can man do to me?  Yes, I can lose my job.  Yes, I can lose my house.  But, I cannot lose my soul.  That is God's.  So, I'm going to have another cuppa (aka: cup of tea), enjoy the last firewood fire of the season (I just threw the last log on the fire) and watch a flick.  Then, I'm going to read some of CS Lewis' The Problem of Pain.  And, then, Lord willing, I will wake up tomorrow maybe a bit more refreshed.  If not, He will sustain me.