R3P4D9/29 -- True confession time

June 29, 2012

R(ound)3, P(hase) 4 (eat what I want in MODERATION!), D(ay) 9/29

Okay, it's true confession time.  I've been stinking up P3 and P4 this time.  Want to know why?  Because I have been eating junk in the last 9 days.  Yes, I went up in P3 because I didn't slowly reintroduce yummies (approved) like cheese and nuts.  I went gang-busters into it.  And, as I expected, I went up.  Then, I didn't correct like I should have, right away, because "I couldn't face that food."  Well, that meant, I stabilized higher.  And, I was okay with it (if I wasn't, I would have hunkered down and took that 4-6 pounds off).  Why?  Because mentally, I've been lazy, because of work stress, I don't want to have to "deal" with anything else (and, this weight loss is a struggle, even though I've had success with it).  So, I saunter into P4, and what do I do?  I eat pretzels.  And popcorn.  And pizza.  And a Monte Cristo sandwich from Bennigan's (I even pre-meditated that one).  And taco bell.  WHAT?  Yes.  I'm being transparent here.  I'm in trouble.

So, I need your help.  PLEASE pray for me.  After 8.5 months (and 67 - 76 pounds off), I thought I had "beaten" some of my old behavior.  This Round has taught me, "No, dear.  You haven't.  God has defeated it, and when you take your eyes off of Him, it raises its ugly head again and roars."  Yep.  ROARS.  That's what it's doing.  I WANT to eat junk right now.  Lord help me, I do.

I'm not kicking myself about it -- I'm just confessing it.  To you, and to God.

I spent the entire time I was in the shower this morning praying and confessing and specificially asking God for help.  That's when I realized, "I need to talk about it here, too."  Why?  Not to complain, or to beat myself up (like some cyber version of whipping myself for penetance).  But, to ask for prayer, and share, both the good, the bad (hello junk food) and the ugly (my inner struggle with slapping a food bandaid on a sore/worn-out spirit from work).  So, here I am ... popcorn stains still under my nails & pretzel sauce around my mouth (metaphorically, people ... I'm doing a correction day today, so I do have coffee breath, but that's about all), saying, "I need prayer that I can keep fighting the good fight."  WITH joy, not without.

And, I do feel joyful.  I have all of you in my life, and that's a MAJOR gift.  I have a job that pays me every month (while it sucks me dry -- wait -- stop that, Julia).  I have my health.  I'm 67 pounds down from 8.5 months ago.  It's Friday, I'm taking my lunch break to write instead of work like a drone (that's a nice perk).  I have the door shut to my office (SCORE!) and am listening to 80s music (right now, Journey's "Ask the Lonely" is playing ... flashback city!) and I'm unburdening my heart.  Or maybe my head.  My heart doesn't feel burdened about this, because I already unburdened that to the Lord.  And, I know He heard me and is enouraging me.  Because, He rocks.  Plain and simple.

And, since He's MY rock, I guess I'm going to rock too.  :-)  So, have a wonderful weekend.  I'm going to throw down the gauntlet of a challenge to you and me.  After you finish reading this, I dare you to sit back and write down every last (even little) thing that you can think of that you are grateful for.  Even your struggles.  Struggles?  Yes, struggles.  I dare you to think about what good has (or will) come out of them.  It might just be that it makes you humble.  Which is huge and wonderful.  But, I dare you to do it.  I'm going to do it and report back on the number of things I could think of in 10 minutes.  I'm going to try to get to 100.  I bet I can come up with more than that.  Can you?