Admit it, you thought I gave up, didn't you?

Round 12 (R12), Phase 2 (P2), Day 9 of 24

 

May 21, 2014

Why have I been silent on this site? There have been a couple of reasons, really. First, I didn't have much to say that you hadn't already heard me say about weight loss (still plugging away, on the same 25 pounds). Second, I honestly forgot about it. Yep. Literally forgot I had a blog. Third, when I would remember, "Oh, hey, I have a blog!" I would realize I didn't know how to log in anymore (google changed the log in address). So, today, I took the plunge, and an actual 30 minute lunch break (novel idea) and tried to navigate my way in. And, here I am.

 

Ta da!

I hope you aren't expecting much.  So, here's the scoop. I've been busy living. Just like you have been. And, some days (meals, moments), I've fought the good fight. Other times, I haven't. So, it's resulted in me losing and gaining and losing and gaining (etc., etc., etc.) the same 25 pounds. So, as of 10 days ago, when I started Round 12 (yep, that's not a typo), I had successfully kept off 60 pounds from my highest starting weight. But, then that pesky 25 pounds keeps falling off and leaping back on. That's the nice way of saying, "I give into sloth and gluttony" from time to time. And yet, I plug on.

 

One of the decisions I made early on was to dump all of the clothes that I shrank out of.  I'm SO glad I made that decision.  It has helped me keep going, when I gain some back, and start to feel like a sausage in my clothes.  I am absolutely NOT going to buy bigger clothes.  I have some smaller ones that I bought on MASSIVE sale, and I am going to shrink into those.  So, being cheap has its advantages in weight loss.  Who knew?

Okay, so almost a year has come and gone.  I think it's closer to 10 months.  So, what has this year brought? Well, it's brought lots of time with the kiddies and adults I love. With that comes less sleep, lots of time living from calendar event to calendar event, which, in my life, sometimes leads to poor food choices. But, that's MY problem. I wouldn't trade any of the time spent with people I love for those 25 pounds or 250 pounds.

What else has the year brought? For those of you who talk to me frequently, you know, my Gram turned 100 almost 2 weeks ago. I'm pretty proud of her. Isn't she cute?

 

I’ve gotten into a routine with Samuel and Benjamin that includes sleepovers and baths and clean clothes and daycare and daily schedules for summer care (and rides to and from said summer care) and dentist appointments and kindergarten registrations and Sunday School and mixing up meds at night that were meant for the morning.  Yes, I’ve done it all.  Almost.  I’ve got a lot of dirty stuff around and in my toilet, but my home is a happy haven for two little boys (and hopefully more) who need it.  And that makes me happy.

I guess that makes my Mary Poppins Halloween costume apropos (which is why I picked it – England lover and lover of kiddies).

Work has come and gone and come again.  Four reorganizations, two bosses, two Vice Presidents and seven people in and out of my team (with currently the oddest, and most difficult personality mix I’ve had yet).  And, I’m comfortable.  God has done a miracle in my life.  I am okay with not knowing the end result of … well, almost anything.  Almost.

I started Round 12 back to the old drops that I used in the first two (my most successful) Rounds.  I feel awesome (way better than with the “new” drops I used in the other Rounds.  No mental fatigue.  Yes, the food is boring on Day 9, but the weight loss isn’t (13.9 pounds).  I have 15 days left, and I’m excited to see where I end up, and how I will keep it off.  It’s basically going to be a moment by moment journey, for the rest of my life.  I have to remember that.  There’s no shame in saying it.  So, let me say it again.

I will struggle with food every moment of every day for the rest of my life.

And, I’m okay with that.

Why?

Because the alternative is to give up.  I’m NOT okay with that. 

I’m letting God do His work in me.  One of the hardest things for a human being (or at least, THIS human being) to do is to wait.  God knows that about me – I hate waiting.  I will act, buy, talk, drive, plan, eat, worry … just to avoid waiting.  Well, He’s been working in me – seriously a miracle in me – to be not just comfortable, but happy and at peace, in the chaos of no answers.  He gently nudged me to be okay with this, for example:

Yep, that was Mothers Day 2014.  And it was Chris’ idea.  Go ahead and rub your eyes.  You aren’t seeing things (in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “And that’s all I’ve got to say about that”).

So, He's working a miracle in me, inside and out.  I'm not giving up on me.  He sure won't, so if the Creator of the universe isn't giving up on me, what makes me think I have the right?  I’m still eager to see how God created me to look, once I lose all of the weight. We’ll see.  At least, I hope it’s better than this from when I started this journey 2.5 years ago:

 



R8P2D16 of 23 - Hello from Cloudy Dayton, Ohio

Round 8 (R8), Phase 2 (P2), Day 16 of 23

July 22, 2013

Well, off of the topic of weight loss for just a second ... Elizabeth II has yet another male in line for her throne.  Her grandson William) & his wife Kate had their first child, a son, today, right around the time I was leaving for Clayton.  My vote for the name of the 3rd in line to the throne is Albert Phillip Charles William Spencer Windsor. That boils down to this: Great-great Gpa (George VI, Elizabeth II's father), Great-Gpa (Prince Consort, Elizabeth II's husband), Gpa, Father, Gma's maiden name (Diana Spencer) & their last name.

But, enough of that.

Today is my friend JoEllen's 52nd birthday -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOELLEN! 

So, back to our regularly scheduled program.  Weight loss, or lack thereof.

I have had 154 ounces of water today.  Yep.  I'm a nut.  But, I am NOT hungry.  I packed all of my food for the trip & was actually very satisfied with my lunch (bison, a tomato, an apple & a grissini) on my way here today.  Dinner was, well, dinner.  The chicken I brought was yummy, but I packed cucumbers for the dinner veggie & well, I'm kind of "over" cucumbers since Round 3.  But, they travel nicely.  So, chicken, cucumber, orange & grissini for dinner.  Tomorrow's weigh in should be down.  And, that's what I want, because, believe it or not, Friday is my last day of drops (Last Dosage Weight, LDW).  So, Saturday - Monday I'm going to be eating P2 without the help of the drops.  It's been the slowest weight loss Round ever, so I'm praying I can really have my mind in this for P3 & stabilize like a champ & end 10 pounds (that's right) above R7 LDW.  I told you, this has been the slowest weight loss ever.  

But, down is better than up!  I'm in the same room in Clayton that I was in the last time I was here & I'm 13 pounds less.  I had hoped to be 16-20 pounds less, but let's not quibble over 3-7 pounds.  

THE KEY IS TO STABILIZE WELL & I will keep the weight off.  Good grief!  Do I have to keep yelling that at myself to remember?

Evidently so.

:-)

One more thing -- my Business Trip next week

July 19, 2013 -- Same day, different post

Yep, I'm going back to Clayton, Ohio.  Right outside of Dayton, Ohio, the home of aviation. Go figure. 

At least, this time, I will be by myself for the trip there and back.  Since I'll be alone on my travels to and from, I might just stop by the fireworks emporium in Indiana on my way home.  Have a little pow (fireworks) to go with my wow (loading) at the end of this Round?  I also might stop by the aviation museum, that I'm pretty sure we visited every year when I was a kid.  Right, Dad?  After all, I've got to keep myself busy in the evenings, since I WON'T be eating.

While I'm there, I will be surrounded by people.  I'm trying to figure out how to bow out of any dinner or cocktail offers if they come.  My plan is to pack my own food, buy veggies while I'm there and eat in my room.  Fortunately, I will be in the Residence Inn, so I'll have a big fridge, so I should be able to stock it with tea, ice a small milk and lots of water, to make lemon water (my staple drink).

So, again, would you mind praying for me?  This most certainly IS a different Round.  I've never traveled on P2 before (besides 1 road trip to Wisconsin last year to return my friend Linda's Mom to her home -- but that was an up and back).  For once, this year, I will travel for work WITHOUT gaining weight, and, Lord-willing, return home several pounds lighter (as opposed to heavier) than when I set out for the trip!  That, my friends, is rather exciting.

R8P2D13/23 -- Thanks for the prayer

Round 8, Phase 2, Day 13 of 23

July 19, 2013

Thanks for praying for me.  I felt a real peace the rest of the day, and, it has continued.  I'm not just saying that because my weight loss picked up in the next two weigh-ins.  I'm saying that because I feel peaceful and not afraid.  I attribute that to prayer.  Thank you, Lord (and you for praying).  Sometimes, when one is so close to something, it is difficult to pray in exactly the way that is needed because fear clouds our minds.  I'm grateful God put it on my heart to ask for help.  Because I felt uplifted.  What a gift.

After posting last time (on Wednesday), I had the owner of Miracle Skinny Drops (the drops I use) reach out to me in a private FB message saying she wanted me to send her my stats -- menus, everything -- so she could help me see if I was doing anything wrong.  She confirmed that I wasn't (Johnson & Johnson's baby oil is fine, the spices I used were fine, the menus I have been been eating are spot on).  THAT lifted a burden (I can't tell you how mental this is, until you actually DO this diet).  Then, she suggested, based on the number of Rounds I have done, that I should up my hHCG drops from 80 a day to 90.  Now, before you cynics out there say she's trying to make more money, let me assure you, I see on their private FB page that they give all sorts of free advice to all sorts of people (those using injections of the actual hormone, to those using other homeopathic HCG providers, to those like me who use their own).  They are Christians, they help people (like me) lose weight, and I am confident in their counsel.

So, I did up my drops on Wednesday by 10 drops.  The next morning, the scale showed I dropped 2 pounds.  Yesterday, I took the same number of drops, and this morning, I dropped another 1.8 pounds.  This is the type of weight loss I should have been seeing in the first week, not at Day 12 & 13 when the weight loss drops to nothing.

So, my only conclusion is, after 8 Rounds, I guess it was time to up my dose.  I suppose I'll need to up the dose again in Round 10 in January.  Round 9 is the end of August-September.

Anyway, I'm back in the window (at the bottom of the window, but it's opening), and I'm feeling calm.  THAT is huge.  And, fortunately, thanks to Shawna at Miracle Skinny Drops, your prayers, and of course, God (the one to whom the arrow in the picture above is pointing), I am NOT as huge today as I was 2 days ago.  :-)

R8P2D11 of 23 -- I need prayer

July 17, 2013

Round 8 (R8), Phase (P) 2 (wonky food menu), Day (D) 11 of 23

This Round sucks.  I'm sorry if that word offends you, but I can't think of a better way to say it.  I have never, in 7 other Rounds, worked this hard at being perfectly on plan (POP) and had such little results.  Literally, it is the worst Rounds for weight loss in all 8 Rounds.  Here's how it has been -- each weigh in so far:

Day 1 was the weight I start at (it's the weight that I register after the 3 days of load, so no loss, which is normal).

Day 2 loss = 4.7

Day 3 loss = 3.2

Day 4 loss = 1.5

Day 5 loss = 0.4

Day 6 loss = 0.2

Day 7 loss = 0.1

Day 8 loss = 0.5

Day 9 loss = +1.9

Day 10 loss = 3.2

Day 11 loss = +1.4

Yep.  ANOTHER gain.

I did an Apple Day on Monday, after waking up to a 1.9 pound gain.  Lost 3.2 the next day (yippee) and promptly gained back 1.4 of that today.  How?  I have no idea.  I'm eating the foods I should (NO cheating), I've cut out all lotions, etc., like I should (and have in every other Round).  I'm not mixing my veggies, eating extra portions of meat, and I was drinking over 120 ounces of liquid (non-sugary) a day.

Go figure.

By Day 11 in every other Round, I had lost this:

Round 1 Day 11 lost = 16.4 pounds
Round 2 Day 11 lost = 13.1 pounds
Round 3 Day 11 lost = 14.7 pounds
Round 4 Day 11 lost = 15.5 pounds
Round 5 Day 11 lost = 13.9 pounds
Round 6 Day 11 lost = 13.7 pounds
Round 7 Day 11 lost = 14.9 pounds
Round 8 Day 11 lost = 10.5 pounds

Yep.  See, I'm not kidding.  This Round SUCKS.  What's really frustrating, is this is usually right around where the weight loss stops for a week to 10 days.  I feel like that's exactly where I've already been.  So what faces me ahead?  The desert of weight loss? 

Yet, I press on.  I cannot give up, even when I feel like this is completely futile.  I'm still making up MAJOR ground here.  Blargh. 

See, I need prayer.  I prayed for strength before I got on the scale this morning (the words of 2 Chronicles 20:15b came to mind -- "Do not be dismayed or discouraged because of this vast army, because the battle is not yours, but God's" -- that brought me so much comfort last year when the job felt like it was closing in -- and believe me, it's no easier now, I'm just used to it) ... and saw the gain.  I barely thought about it, but since I am facing dinner (and ate the same lunch I had yesterday, albeit, a little less tomato), I'm starting to feel fearful.  And I know I shouldn't fear.  I just literally have no idea what I can do.  Besides, keep on keeping on. 

So, would you pray for me?

R8P2D1/23 -- Out with the old ...

R(ound) 8, P(hase) 2, D(ay) 1 of 23

July 7, 2013

Before I get started, I am giving a shout out to my Grandpa, whose 103rd birthday was yesterday.  He's in Heaven, celebrating it in the best way possible (with Jesus).  I thought I'd post one of my favorite pictures of him (that I have electronically) here.  Why is it my favorite? Because it's a picture of him (30 years ago), on his birthday, doing what he always did.  Hugging my sister (on the right) and me (on the left), sitting there all snuggled up.  That happy look on his face.  I understand that now that I have beloved children in my life, whom I am happy just to be around.  That's what Grandpa was like.   So, happy birthday, Grandpa!  If you feel like reading more about him, please check out his website (http://elmermking.com/).

So, back to my weight-loss (or anti-weight-loss) journey of late.  Today, I start back into the P2 (or wonky food, as I call it) phase.  I am SOOOOO ready.  When I weighed myself this morning, I have basically erased almost 30 pounds of weight loss.  I'm ashamed to admit that, but isn't that what this blog is for?  NO MORE HIDING.

I gave up and ate SO MUCH JUNK for the last month.  Seriously.  JUNK.  June was Junk Food month, evidently.  July has been business trip junk food and loading food (I don't feel ashamed about the loading food).  SO, I have a LOT of ground to make up.  But, make it up, I will.  It's tough love time for me.  I'm loving myself enough to say, "THAT'S IT!  Back on the wagon, you petulant girl."  On the wagon I go.  It's going to be a LONG ride.  23 days of P2 eating, then on July 30, it'll be 3 weeks of P3 eating (proteins only).  I'm only giving myself 4 days of P4 (which is basically P3 + a little extra) and then, right back into loading and R9.  Almost 30 days of P2.  That means, I'm going to be spending the rest of the summer, and the early part of the Autumn not eating what I want, but what I need to lose this weight I found again + the weight I have wanted to lose but seem to rubber band back from over and over.  I'm doing it.  Do you hear me, cravings?  I'M DOING IT with God's help (and your encouragement).

SO, be prepared to read some posts that are less than excited and encouraging.  I'm looking at 3 months of restricted, non-yummy-eat-what-sounds-good food.  And, I'm excited about it.  Mostly.  I feel like this must be about what pregnant women feel like.  It's exciting to think about the changes that are coming -- and a bit frightening at the same time.  Will I be able to handle the 3 months of morning sickness (eating little amounts of food)?  Will I be able to handle the physical changes that will come?  Will I be able to handle the pain of childbirth (MAJOR food cravings when I am on yet another business trip)?  I can with the Lord.  So, here goes.

I almost said, "Here goes nothing," but that's not true.  This is going to work.  Because God has given me strength to see it through for over 1.5 years, and get back on that wagon and begin again.  So, I'm on the wagon.  And, I'm ready.  Let's roll!

R7P4D?? -- I am starting this again in a week!

Round 7 (R7) Phase 4 (P4) Day (D) something of something

June 30, 2013

I have no idea what day I'm on in P4 (eat what you want), because, I have been eating what I want for WAY too long.  The thought, here, is to eat what you want only on rare occasions.  I've taken that and run with it.  I've been going to a lot of baseball games for one of my nephews, spending a lot of time with them (filling in the gap that they have right now in their lives), I was on a business trip last week and will be again this week, and again and again in the coming months.  In short, I've been eating crap (sorry, if that word offends you, but that's what it is) a lot.  I've decided, business trip or not, I'm starting this again.  I've erased ALL of R7 weight loss.  Lovely.

But, instead of kicking myself, I'm going to say (to myself, and you since you are reading this), "PICK YOURSELF UP AND BEGIN WHERE YOU ARE TODAY."  The thought of "beginning again" makes my stomach hurt.  That feels like I'm starting all over.  I'm not.  I'm 70 pounds down.  But, I'm not 90 pounds down.

True confession -- I've been eating fast food (my bane), because I'm exhausted.  It's a crutch and I know it.  I don't like what it makes me feel like, but I LOVE that I don't have to think.  I can go on, "What sounds good."  Then, once I devour it and feel like garbage, I think, "WHY?!"  So, I'm giving myself this week (I load on July 4 - 6), and then, business trip or not, I'm taking my drops with me, and packing my food choices, and off I go.  If I don't have to go back to Ohio (after this week) for several weeks, then PERFECT.  I'll be home and doing what I should be doing.  If I have to go, I will explain to those business associates with me that I'm really restricted on what I can eat, and I have packed my food.  I'm going to eat what I bring.  Caterpillar will get off pretty easy on the expense of sending me, let me tell you.

Here's the thing -- I've GOT to do this.  I've said it before.  You've seen me say it before.  I'm not giving up.  I'm not buying a whole new wardrobe.  I'm not going to get used to seeing myself this way.  NO WAY.  I'm losing it (the weight, not my sanity).  I feel completely sane in this choice.  I'm not going to let myself get derailed BY MYSELF choosing to be lazy or wallow in exhaustion.

My plan is, make it through the Ohio trip (LONG story, which I won't / shouldn't-for-the-sake-of-the-company go into about why I'm going and on the hook to maybe go again and again in the next few months) this week.  Then, I start Round 8 -- loading over the July 4 weekend, and starting P2 on Sunday, July 7.  I have to get in my days of drops, and three days of P2 without drops, which will bring me into P3 on July 30.  I will be in P3 (proteins only) for 3 weeks in August, 4 days (only) of P4, and I'm RIGHT back into Round 9 in late August (August 23 - 25 to be exact).  I am going to power through it.  That's all there is to it.  I have GOT to get this weight back off, stabilize in P3, and then, basically skip P4 and get back into it to get past this plateau that I keep having.  I think I'm really getting down to a weight that my body isn't used to, because it wants to bounce me right back to where I am today.  NO THANK YOU.  SO, my thought is, if I stabilize in P3, and skip P4 (which is totally legal in this program), and start losing again, I will get myself into numbers I've not seen in 18 years, AND past this mark on the scale that my body seems to want to stick at.

So, that's about it.  Happy June.  Here's to a thinner July (after a few days of getting squishier) and a MUCH more stable August.