Julia's progress

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Total Views

Sunday, April 29, 2012

R3P2D21/24 - Half way to goal & planning ahead

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 21/24

April 29, 2012

Well, I'm officially half way to my goal.  This weekend, I hit 70 pounds off.  That's 70 pounds down in less than 6.5 months.  I'll take it.  I will be done with Round 3 (R3) Phase 2 (P2) on Friday, May 4, when I enter Phase 3 (P3), the proteins Phase.  That means I stop taking my drops as of Tuesday morning (although, I might run out on Monday).  If I have enough drops for Tuesday morning, then that will make Tuesday's weigh-in as my Last Dosage Weight (LDW) day.  That's the weight I need to stay within 2 pounds for 21 days straight (Phase 3).  

I'm ready to be done with Phase 2.  While I've lost almost 20 pounds (I had hoped for 25), and this is my shortest Round, mentally, I'm exhausted.  Even so, I made some good choices today.  Next Sunday, my Mom's side of the family (me included) will be going out for my Gram's birthday (part 1 -- I'm spending the whole day of her 98th birthday with her on May 8).  My Aunt & Uncle chose a place called Fairview Chicken Farms for lunch, because Gram liked it.  They serve fried chicken, mashed potatoes, fritters, cole slaw and salad drenched in dressing, roles, etc.  I started thinking, this morning, "Hm.  How can I eat anything?"  That's when I decided to look at their menu on line and see if I could special order something.  I absolutely do not want to get attention that day, so I was thinking, "Lovely.  I'm going to have to not eat -- drawing attention to me -- or bring in a packed lunch of only proteins."  Nope.  They can bake some dark meat (my fave) for me.  And, I can have green beans.  And a "california medly" (zucchini, tomatoes, onions, squash).  And a salad.  Perfect!  I'm rather happy about that.  They'll bring it out with all of the other food, it will cost the same price and, while I'll be eating different food (I'll share), it's Phase 3 proteins (and veggie carb) approved.  Awesome.  Baby steps.  It was baby steps that brought me to 70 pounds off and baby steps will bring me to the end of the other 70 pounds.  Lord willing, by next March.

So, yes, I'm pleased that I'm almost at my lowest weight since 2001.  As of today, I'm 6 pounds above that.  But, I'm ready to be done with this Phase.  I want lots of protein.  And cheese.  And peppers with cheese.  My "healthy" comfort foods.  It's no surprise.   I'm exhausted.  Not because of this diet, but, as you know, because of work.  I'm getting closer to being resigned to this new job.  My last day on my old job is tomorrow (which could be difficult), and then I have 4 days of pedal to the medal in Morton.  It will probably be insane.  But, the Lord will help me one moment at a time.  I'm getting a little clearer in my brain, that I am not in control -- or when I try to be, I can only fail -- but God IS in control, of me, my job, and my future.  The sermon today (Psalm 121) was awesome, about God "keeping" me (and you who love Him) and protecting us.  I had been thinking about Moses and Jonah, lately.  Pastor Ritch brought up David (and Moses and Jonah).  It made me smile.  I believe God wanted me to hear this -- and maybe He wants you to hear it too.

MOSES

Moses was talking to the burning bush (that wasn't being consumed).  That was obviously a "God thing" that Moses didn't do on his own (like my new boss coming to me asking me to interview for a job I knew nothing about). God talked to him from within the bush.  He told Moses to go back to Egypt, which he had fled from (like I did with HR Communications in the past).  Moses felt completely inept (like me!) and told God that God had made a big mistake ("How about you ask my brother Aaron over there?").  Uh, hello?  That's me with this job.  Do I think I know better than God?  Moses tried white-knuckling it and overseeing every one of the conflicts that the 40k freed Jewish slaves and it about killed him, until he let go of it and stopped trying to be everything to everyone.  Hello, Julia!  Moses had Pharaoh at his back and the Red Sea at his front and 40k scared people who followed him out of their "safe" homes in slavery to face drowning or dying by the sword.  What did God say to him?  One of my favorite verses of the Old Testament, that's all.  Exodus 14:14: "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."  He sent an Angel and fire before and after them, to hold off the legions of Pharaoh's army, while Moses got his head together and (key point) FOLLOWED GOD'S LEADING!  And, you know the rest.  The Red Sea parted and the Israelites walked through unscathed.

DAVID
David was the youngest son of a sheep herder.  Saul, the king, was being crushed by the Philistines.  His brothers were fighting, but little 12-year-old (I think) David was tending the sheep.  Somebody had to.  He enjoyed playing his harp and doing his duty of protecting the sheep from bears and lions.  Which is what he did.  Fast forward to David and Saul talking (I'm clifts noting this) about the giant, Goliath.  David was confident that if God would protect him, a pre-teen, when fighting off a bear and lion, he would enable David to defeat Goliath for the good of the Israelite nation.  It seemed like an insurmountable job, in my book.  Something akin to what I feel like with this new job.  So he took that tiny rock, put it in his sling-shot (imagine the laughter) and BOOM.  Goliath, meet your maker.  

JONAH

Jonah hated the Ninevites.  They were pretty nasty.  They hated God, God's people, and they went about persecuting people.  God told Jonah to go to (you got it) Ninevah and to preach God's word to them.  Jonah thought, "Are you nuts?  I'm not going there.  They'll kill me, or worse (yes, worse), they'll repent and get off Scott free.  NO WAY.  I'm going to hide from God."  Just like me thinking I wanted to stay in my old job!  So, he took off on a ship going the absolute opposite direction.  What did God do?  Did he smite down Jonah?  Nope.  He made the waters rocky, which scared the snot out of the sailors on the ship, until they said, "Out you go, dude."  Did God let Jonah drown?  Nope.  Good thing God isn't me.  I think at that point, I might have been saying, "Tough love, guy.  Tough love."  But nope -- God allowed the sailors to throw Jonah out right where there was a hungry whale.  And, no, Jonah didn't "speak whale" like Dori in Finding Nemo.  He got swallowed and then spit out --- right on the beach of Ninevah.  Yep.  God took him there.  So, Jonah decided, with grumbling in his heart, to preach to the Ninevites.  I have to think it was more of a, "I hate this job, but I'll do it" thing (HELLO, Julia).  So, he preached to them.  Did they kill him, torture him, taunt him?  Nope, from the lowest person in the land, to the king, they repented!  They did exactly what God wanted.  Hm, who knew best there?  God or Jonah.  Yah, we all know the answer to that.  So, what did Jonah do?  Did he rejoice and thank God for letting him be a part of that (scary but fruitful) journey?  Nope.  He said under an olive tree and whined and complained that THEY got off easy (sounds like me with a difficult co-worker I am leaving who took a new job that seems like a vacation) and that he didn't have enough shade (comfort).  That is NOT going to be me.

So, there are three stories of well know men in the Bible, having to surrender the reigns and go where it wasn't comfortable, but they were needed.  I have 4 people reporting to me.  I'm pretty sure many of my fellow workers (including my 4 direct reports), although very nice, do not share my faith in the Lord (from conversations I hear).  But I love Him and trust Him.  Maybe Morton is my Ninevah.  This Communications job could just be my Red Sea.  Giving up control of my future and financial well-being to God could be my Goliath.  What is your Ninevah?  Red Sea?  Goliath?

Shall we press on?  I say yes.  What say you?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

R3P2D14/24 - Stand firm

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 14/24

April 22, 2012

This morning, I moved (inched is more like it) past the 66.6 pound off mark.  I'm officially at 66.7.  Whew!  What a load off.  :-)  Just kidding.

It's 9:40 p.m. on Sunday night -- and my stomach is doing flip flops.  Yes, because of work.  What's new, huh?  I'm sorry that I just keep whining on and on about it.  I want nothing more (right now) than to be able to answer peoples' kind and hopeful inquiries ("Is it getting better?") than with a hearty, "Yes & Hallelujah!"  But, I can't.  It's not getting any better.  It will be okay for a time, sometimes a day, then WHAM!  It sinks back in.  I don't know why I can't seem to get my heart into the right place.  I am praying and I feel closer to God than ever before.  THAT rocks.  Honestly.  I don't want that to change.  But, what I am praying will change is the feeling that I've signed away my life for the next 3 - 5 years.  It's been almost 2 months since I accepted the job offer, and almost a month that I've been uber-freaked about it.  How will I be able to live through 3 - 5 years of this job commitment?

I know God is my strength, and honestly, that is THE only thing that is keeping me from the loony bin.  I'm scared.  I'm dreading work.  Not because of the people.  But, because of what I can see that I have to do.  Being out of Cat Communications for 2 years, and now getting into it again?  It's taught me that I do not, in any way, like Cat Communications.  That's ridiculous, I know.  I have 10 years of experience in it at Cat.  I was an English major (and schooled to be an English teacher).  And, I don't want to work in Cat Communications anymore.  Lovely.  But, I have no idea (ZERO!) about what I would want to do at Cat.  In a company of over 120,000+ employees, and right now, I can't think of a single job at my middle-management range that I would be excited (happy, even just content) to do.  It's so hard for me to articulate it, which tells me, this is 100% irrational.  And, I know it's just a feeling, and Satan uses feelings to prey upon us.  "It will always feel this way."  "You will fail."  "You will be miserable every day until you quit this job."  Those are thoughts that are surrounding my brain, unless I hold every thought captive.

You know what I was thinking about as I was getting ready for church this morning?  I was thinking, for the 1st time in the almost 14 years I've worked at Cat, "I could quit Cat, cash in the little I have in my 401k, pay off my student loan, sell my house and get a job at Barnes & Noble."  Wahuh?  Yep.  I was REALLY plotting that.  Really, Julia?  Really?  Then, I got to church, and Pastor Ritch was talking about 1 Peter 5:8-9:

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast

Um, yeah.  I think I better be alert to the prowling that's happening around this in my life.

So, onto the breach.  I'm stubborn.  I'm German and Swedish.  We don't give up (maybe even when we should).  But, I'm not going to.  I've got God on my side.  What can man do to me?  Yes, I can lose my job.  Yes, I can lose my house.  But, I cannot lose my soul.  That is God's.  So, I'm going to have another cuppa (aka: cup of tea), enjoy the last firewood fire of the season (I just threw the last log on the fire) and watch a flick.  Then, I'm going to read some of CS Lewis' The Problem of Pain.  And, then, Lord willing, I will wake up tomorrow maybe a bit more refreshed.  If not, He will sustain me.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

R3P2D13/24 - Bronze gates & iron bars & name calling

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 13/24
April 21, 2012
"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3 
Wow.  That was an awesome reminder of God's character, activity and love for me that I "stumbled" upon this morning.  Breaking down gates of bronze ... pretty much need an army of tanks to do that.  Or God.  :-)
That's what my weight problem has felt like over the years.  Gates of bronze.  My addiction to food as a way to make me feel peace felt like a jail, like bars of iron.  Now, God is leveling the mountains.  This HCG thing isn't a fad or a fluke and I'm not cheating on weight loss by using hHCG in P2.  Those are all the "tapes" I play in my head.  Instead, I've changed my whole outlook on food ("I will give you hidden treasures") and now, I'm not turning to it for comfort.  I'm turning to God (and this past month of freaking out about work is case in point for that).  And, then, I'm turning to you.  Those are my riches "stored in secret."  MUCH better emotionally.  The Bible says we are His beloved.  I am beloved.  I like that He summons [me] by name much better than the names I call myself ("failure" or "inadequate" or "hopeless" or "stuck" or "trapped").
So, the weigh-in this morning.  I had my first non-loss in 13 days.  I gained 0.5 pounds.  NO prob.  I'm sure it's water weight (I drank that 120 ounce thing that I did in R2 when I lost less each day), because, I look thinner this morning.  I've lost 15.1 pounds in 13 days, which is over the 0.5-1.0 pound a day average weight loss in P2, so my body is needing time to catch up.  And, in case you didn't notice -- I'm NOT discouraged.  I've lost 66.1 pounds.  And, today, I celebrate!
“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

That's a verse that my dear friend (who is closer than a sister) Linda wrote for me in 2003 when I was scared and discouraged about another job at Cat.  It was MUCH worse than what's happening now, because, while I had no doubt I could do the job, the leadership was gunning for me (exact opposite than what I happening now).  My boss, at the time, was good with me, but the head of the facility (TBU, for those of you who remember) was abusive (calling me all sorts of terrible things, which I won't repeat, when I would walk out of a room).  I was scared and doubting myself.  Linda made this reminder for me on a piece of paper, and I have always kept it as a reminder of what God saved me from (in 10 short months of "torture" on the job).  Well, now, I have needed it, because the battle that is waging is in ME.  It's ME thinking I can't do this weight-loss thing (nope, that battle, for now, is over -- I know I can do it because God is on my side), or that I can't do this new job because it's media relations and events and employee surveys (for 12,000 employees, thousands of whom are hourly, bargained, UAW workers) and possible divestitures, and supervising 4 people (one in Shanghai) and being responsible for hundreds of thousands of dollars in budgets ... all things that I have NO idea how to do.  But, I'm NOT going to be afraid.  I'm NOT going to be discouraged.  GOD is fighting that battle.  Remember that, Julia.  TATTOO is on my brain.  The battle is God's, not mine.

What's your battle today?  Are you battling weight?  Physical pain?  Sickness?  A spouse who is difficult to handle?  Divorce?  Death?  A wayward child you has turned away from you?  Job loss?  Infertility?  Heartache?  Financial ruin?

I will say it again ... I will yell it from the rooftop (well, my livingroom floor as I sit here typing on my Mac ... but I'm still yelling it!) ... DO NOT BE AFRAID OR DISCOURAGED BECAUSE OF THIS VAST ARMY.  FOR THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS, BUT GOD'S!

March forward, do the best you can, and extend Grace to yourself (and others).  I'm preaching that to me.  If God wants you to hear those words today, I'm praying that they resonate with you too.  May God bless you and keep you, today, my friend. 
 

Friday, April 20, 2012

R3P2D12 of 24 - Plugging right along

Round 3, Phase 2, Day 12 of 24

April 20, 2012

Well, I'm half way done with Round 3 Phase 2.  That doesn't seem possible, but then I have to remember ... this is my shortest round, and I'm completely pre-occupied with my job and trying to keep sane.  Since I'm just taking lunch right now (and I worked from 7:30 - 6 yesterday), I don't feel guilty coming out to write about weight loss right now, in case you are wondering.  I guess that's the great thing about being buried -- I don't have guilt feelings of taking work in stride too much.  : )

So, this morning, my weigh in brought me a (normally) freaky number on the scale.  I'm at 66.6 pounds off.  Yes, that's a number I DON'T like, for obvious reasons.  Yet, I'm not really worrying about it.  Well, THERE'S the silver lining in this work freak out.  I'm too busy to worry about stupid things like a 1 ounce difference between a 66.6 (666, get it?) and a 66.5 ot 66.7 ("safe") weight loss.  I'm such a dork.  But, you knew that already.  :-)

Anyway, I'm ALMOST (within spitting distance of) 1/2 way to my stretch goal (140 pounds off total).  I've been praying that I will be able to get into the 70 pound off range by the end of P2 this time.  I like numbers with sevens (and threes and fives ... yes, I know I'm weird ... I said it up there) in them, and, it would put me into a new decade that I haven't been in since August 2001.  I'm praying God will answer that request with a "Sure thing, dear."  We'll see.  Regardless, I'm going in the right direction.  And, I'm so brain fried at the end of the day, that food is the last of the things I'm thinking about.

Which brings me to another point --- I am NOT turning to food to comfort me right now!  Well color me yellow and call me a banana.  Whahuh?  Yep.  This is banner new territory for me, peeps.  If this was a year ago, or even seven months ago (remember, I've been doing HCG for 6 months & 3 days), I would have been going through every fast food drive thru (yes, they spell that wrong, so now I have to, too) that I could get my car into.  And, spending a fortune.  And feeling miserable physically on TOP of feeling scared.  At least now, I don't have to feel physically miserable.  Hallelujah.

So, that's all for now.  I'll mired in the work stuff.  Still feeling hopeless (like I'm stuck there and I hate what I have to do).  Still feeling like God is using this to help me remember moment by moment that I am not in control, but He is.  Still feeling like there's a gray cloud above my head.  But, the rays of sunshine sneak through.  Some days there are more rays than the day before.  Sometimes not.  But, that's okay.  It's a season in my life.  And, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for sticking with me and praying me through this.  It's not like I was married for 15 - 25 years and my spouse left me (which, as of last night, I know three people this has happened to since the beginning of 2012).  It's not like my life was almost lost (hello, Carrie!).  It's not like I've lost my job or one (or more) of my children (you know who you are who are reading this).  It's me -- with a job and losing weight -- and I'll get over myself.  Someday.  Soon, I hope.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:6

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

R3P2D9/24 - "Tudes" about Tickets

April 17, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 9 of 24

I got a speeding ticket today.  On my way to work.  Early.  About 1.5 miles away from my house.  Almost 10 years to the day after my last one.  In almost the exact spot.  Going almost the exact speed.  The difference is, they lowered the speed limit (who knew?!).  It's rather funny, when I think about it.  Why?  Because I really don't care.  I am a self-admitted speeder.  So, I deserved this many times over.  Fine, so I was going 40 in a (what I thought was a 30).  So I wasn't intentionally speeding, because I was (shocker) praying about work.  But, all-in-all, I'm fine about it.  Why?  Because $120 (plus $50 for the class that will eventually take it off of my record) later, I know God is teaching me a big life lesson right now.

Want to know what it is?  (You're in luck if you answered yes, but if you answered no, today is not your lucky day.)

God is teaching me humility.  

Uh huh.

I am not the master of my own fate.  (News flash, neither are you, so we're in this together).

God is.

He's brought me to this place with my job where I need moment by moment prayer to make it.  Awesome.  He's brought me to a place where I can pay for a $150+ ticket without blinking (well, maybe a blink, but I don't have to go without food to pay for it).  Yes!  He's brought me to a place where I know that what is the natural part of me is addicted to food.  Perfect!

Why am I saying, "Awesome," and "Yes!" and "Perfect!" about hard life lessons?  Because I know He loves me, because He's making my life poured out wine from pressing my grapes of self.  I do not own the road.  I am not in the Daytona 500 every time I get behind the wheel.  I am not large and in charge at work, because I'm the newbie.  I'm having success in weight loss this time because GOD is giving me the strength to do it.

And, there it is -- I'm not "all that and a bag of chips."  I'm an overweight, freaking out, speeding down the road (not flipping people off, but still speeding), do-what-I-want-when-I-want person.  But, with these experiences that He's brought in my life, in the blink of an eye (lights flashing behind my car), I'm having to submit to authority that may or may not be right.  But, it's authority.  And, I submit.  Not because I'm awesome, but because He gave me the ability to do it.  And, that rocks.  Humility is actually freeing.  I don't need to be the end-all-be-all in my life.

So, as I move into tomorrow, after losing 0.8 pounds today (my total is 64.9 pounds down in exactly 6 months), I move forward with peace.  Yes, work is stinky and scary and unknown and so busy I can't see straight.  Yes, I started the day $150 in the hole because of an iron foot.  Yes, I "only" lost 0.9 pounds in 2 days.  But, I have a job.  I have a car that is safe (if I would just drive it that way).  And, I am losing weight.

And that's just plain awesome.  I'll take that atti"tude."

Sunday, April 15, 2012

R3P2D7/25 - The winds of change

April 15, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 7 of 25

Before I begin today, I have a new reader whom I'd like to welcome.  They have changed the format of this blog, so you'll have to scroll all the way down and click on the links under each month to really get to my beginning, explaining hHCG (homeopathic HCG) and the protocol.  I pretty much dive right in here.  But, welcome!  These are pretty out there and transparent, so strap in.  It's a bumpy ride!

Today marks one week of doing the VLCD.  I've really only had a handful of moments of feeling hungry.  It's more like "cravy."  I'll think of something I used to eat around that time (for example, a crumpet) and my head will think, "OOh, yum."  But, it's funny.  My stomach doesn't feel hungry.  Until it's time to eat.  Then, I'm hungry.  I eat my stuff, and I"m satisfied and I move on.  Go figure.  Thoughts of food (what I can and can't eat) don't consume me anymore.  That's really amazing, because, in the past, when I've been uber-stressed (like I'm fighting right now with work), I have actually fantasized about what naughty, comfort food I will get to consume at the next available opportunity and THAT brought me peace.  Now?  I think about God.  And HE brings me peace.  What a difference.  This time, I know that, while I might yank back that stress the second after I sincerly hand it over to Him, He'll still be right there to take it back when I get my head clear and remember, "Oh yah.  I gave this to Him.  Stop grabbing the wheel."  With food (or shopping ... my two vices of choice), I'd "numb my disquieted mind" with them, and then, after the numbness wore off (sometimes minutes later), I'd feel empty.  Not so now.  Way to go, God!

So, on to the scale this morning.  First, before weighing myself, I saw myself in the mirror and thought, "I look a bit different this morning."  Different = smaller.  The average bear might not notice it, but I do.  And, I'm not doubting it.  Because, on the scale, I lost 0.6 pounds.  Which brings me to a total of 13 pounds even (notice, it's PRIME, and a whole number ... ah, I love those!) in 7 days.  And, my total lost (since October 17, 2012 when I started this journey)?  64 pounds even.  Yep.  64.  I'm pretty sure I've lost a medium-ish child.  Maybe a 9 - 12 year old?   Remember that "What Have You Lost? Comparision" chart I published in November?  Well, according to that (which I stole shamelessly from an HCG forum on Facebook), in 2 pounds, I will have lost the average amount of fat consumed by an American in one year.  GROSS.

That's all for today.  I need to get ready for church.  I hope you attend one too, but most importantly, I hope that you talk to God.  You don't have to be in church to do that.  Open a Bible and see where God leads you.  Or, Google verses in the Bible.  If you're struggling fear, like I am about work, I suggest Googling "fear verses in the Bible."  Then, read the verses.  Then, talk to God about them.  If you're reading this, you HAVE to have a computer and internet (busted!).  It'll be worth your time.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

R3P2D6 of 25 - This time, analyzing actually is encouraging!

April 14, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 6 of 25

Okay, first, let me start off with what you all want to hear.  I feel a bit less freaked out about my job today.  I'm prepared (therefore, I won't be derailed) when that fear/panic comes back, but I believe that God is answering your prayers on my behalf by giving me strength and confidence in Him to see me through with your love and support.  Thank you.  Keep up the good work.  :-)

I prayed yesterday morning from the Selah song, "When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord."  I believe He answered that in spades yesterday.  It was all Him, for those of you who doubt.  Left to my own devices, I know I would have quit.  When I searched on FEAR in the Bible, there are SO many verses on not having to give into it and turning to God.  This verse really jumped out at me (and yes, I know it's taken out of context):
  • "And now, my daughter, fear not; I will to do for you all that you ask, for you are a virtuous woman." Ruth 3:11
So, yah.  The 2nd part of the verse isn't me (but I'm trying!).  But, I love the first part.  VERY specific.  I'm not used to seeing verses on fear specifically addressed to a daughter.  Pretty cool that that verse jumped out of the page.  I know that wasn't a coincidence!

Second, the other thing you tune in for.  I lost 1.4 pounds overnight, bringing my total to 63.4 pounds.  No, that's not a typo.  I keep thinking it is!  I'm starting to get into the jaw dropping (for me) totals.  Every time I think of the amount I've lost, I actually laugh.  Can that be possible?  I've lost a, what ... 9 year old?  No wonder why I feel better physically. 

Perhaps you would like me to explain my rationale behind the rather random title up there?  This morning, after weighing myself (which I read wrong at first and thought my total off was 62.5 pounds off instead of 63.4!), I decided I'm compare my weight loss between the three Rounds.  You know ... where was I at the end of week 1 in Round 1 and Round 2?  Well, here are the stats:
  • Round 1, Loading (2 Days) Gain:  3.2 pounds gained (my whole life was "loading")
  • Round 2, Loading (3 Days) Gain:  3.5 pounds gained
  • Round 3, Loading (3 Days) Gain:  2.1 pounds gained
  • Round 1, Day 6 Weigh-in: 11.2 pounds lost
  • Round 2, Day 6 Weigh-in: 10.0 pounds lost
  • Round 3, Day 6 Weigh-in: 12.4 pounds lost
I'm simply amazed that I'm having my best Round (to date), and it's the 3rd Round!  I'm going to chalk that up to 1) God, 2) switching drops from the healingpowerwithin drops to Miracle Skinny Drops and, 3) my determination thanks to God giving it to me.  The ingredients in the drops are about the same, except the MSD has a slightly higher dose of hHCG.

Many hHCG experts say that Round 2 or 3 is the most difficult.  I'm going to say that Round 2 was for me.  I hope Round 3 keeps rocking, because I am in weight territory that I haven't seen since 2001.  It's a very big stretch goal for this, my shortest Round (of, at best, 25 Days), but I'd really like to "beat" my low that I hit in 2001 (it's amazing to me that it's only 13.2 pounds away!).  After that, I'll be like Lewis and Clark (maybe I should say Lewis OR Clark, since I'm losing an entire person here) discovering new weight-loss territory.

So, here are my goals for this Round:
  • Get to 65 pounds off by 4/16/2012
  • Get to 70 pounds off by 4/23/2012
  • Get to 75 pounds off by 4/30/2012
  • Beat my 2001 WW lowest weight (77 pounds off) by 5/4/2012 (end of R3P2)
As of Tuesday, I will have been at this for 6 months.   So, on average, that's about 10-12 pounds off a month.  I know I'm losing it fast in a short period of time, but I feel very confident (after watching person after person using this method and doing it myself 3 times) that I can keep my weight off.  The maintenance periods of P3 and P4 work.  Simply amazing.  I'm also STUNNED that it's about $60 a Round (about 3 months, since you only take drops between 21 - 40 days in P2 each time).  I don't know what other weight-loss "programs" cost, but I know Weight Watchers is between $13 a week.  A WEEK.  For, at best, 2 pounds a week?  Here is how that would break down (I think I'm doing this right:
  • 24 weeks on hHCG cost/benefit: $180 / 65 pounds lost = $2.75 per pound lost
  • 24 weeks on WW cost/benefit: $312 / 48 pounds lost = $6.50 per pound lost
  • 65 weeks on hHCG (total needed): $420 / 140.5 pounds lost = $3.00 per pound lost
  • 70 weeks on WW (total needed): $910 / 140.5 pounds lost = $6.47 per pound lost
So, WW would cost me over 2x as much, I wouldn't be eating real foods like I am now (lots of processed stuff), I know from my past and I wouldn't have stuck with it happily for this long.  Also, the analyzing I did up there actually is using the 2 pounds a week loss on WW.  I know, it really is more like 1 pound a week average.  So, that would really look like this:
  • 65 weeks on hHCG (total needed): $420 / 140.5 pounds lost = $3.00 per pound lost
  • 140 weeks on WW (total needed): $1,820 / 140.5 pounds lost = $13.00 per pound lost
Uh, hello?  That was a no brainer for me!  See, this analyzing (for me) has been very encouraging!  I'm looking forward to going to my 6 month doc appointment at the end of April.  I'll get blood work done again, to see what has changed in me.  Things improved between October when I started and December when I was solidly in R1P4.  So, let's see what'll happen when I'm just ending R3P2!

Okay.  So, I'm going to futurize a bit, so stap in.  This is a way away, but, with having to wait longer in P4 (eating what I want in moderation) each time between Rounds, by the time I hit my year anniversary of doing the hHCG diet, (October 17, 2012), I will be in P4 of Round 4, and have lost 100+ pounds.  I really believe that can be done.  My superstar hHCG friend Abbie is nearing her 1-year and 100 pounds off mark.  It CAN be done!  It seems surreal that I'm even seeing these numbers, and my body shrinking, but here it is.  It's true.  It's happening.  

I'm praying that, by the end of R4P2 (August 25), I will be able to comfortably bicycle and horseback ride again.  I haven't tried either in probably 15 years.  I also would LOVE to try running.  I know that'll be a big change, and I'd have to learn, but I really want to.  I'll be out there pretending I'm Eric Liddell (the Scottish Olympic runner and missionary to China depicted in Chariots of Fire).  From the first time I saw his story (when I was in 3rd grade), I wanted to run like that and marry a man just like him.  Okay, the second desire didn't happen, but I'm praying that God will let me at least run once in my life.  For those of you who have known me all my life, can you BELIEVE I'm seriously talking about (and planning) on RUNNING this year?  And, you can bet the song I'll have blasting through my iPod is ... wait for it ... Vangelis' Chariots of Fire theme song.  Uh huh.  I'll be pretending I'm running to Oxford, on the beach with all of those guys from 1919 as they train.

I think I'm going to stop talking now.  Is your head spinning yet?  Just for the record -- no, I haven't been smoking crack or taking happy pills.

Isaiah 41:13 - "Fear not, for I will help you."

Thursday, April 12, 2012

R3P2D4/24 - Prayerful success

April 12, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 4 of 24

I didn't cry at (or because of) work today.  I think that's the first day in over 3 weeks (not just work days, week days) that I have been able to hold it together.  I did get tears in my eyes during one meeting with a former coworker.  I've realized, it usually happens when someone tells me that I am or I'm going to do great and/or that God is on my side.  I immediately lose it.  But, that's okay, because that must be God's way of helping me grieve this HUGE change in my life.  And, get past the fear.  By facing it.  Yes, I know that probably seems strange.

Anyway, I didn't cry today.  I consider that a major success.  Especially since I was in meetings straight from 7:30 - 3:00 ... all different meetings, all telling me things that seem like Greek to me, that I have to do or that I'm responsible for (meaning, my team is, which means, the buck stops with me).  I held it together.  I ate lunch at 3:30 again today (just like yesterday).  I haven't eaten dinner yet (it's 7:45), but I plan on eating when I get off of here.

So, my weigh in today was 1.5 pounds down.  That brings my weight loss this round to a total of 10.2 pounds in 4 days.  That's the best first 4 days in all three Rounds.  That makes me happy, because I felt like I scratched and screamed for every ounce off in Round 2.

I'm positive that it will slow down soon.  I'm okay with whatever.  The great thing about being stressed ... I don't have enough mental energy to spend on fretting about other things.  Funny.  Of course, will my tune change when I stall or gain?  Yah, maybe.  Maybe not.  God is my Rock.  Whom shall I fear?  No one!  Whom can harm me?  No one!  I think I need to stop listening to what the enemy whispers to me.  "You are going to fail at this job."  "You aren't smart, so you won't be able to remember things like Such-and-Such-Ding-A-Ling-Dong did."  "You won't keep losing weight because you'll do something wrong."  "You're driving everyone nuts by being all me-me-me and asking for prayer."

The truth is, I have never, ever felt so surrounded by love and support.  Every one of you reading this me-me-me blog, has expressed unlimited support and love and have told me you are praying for me.  WOW.  What a complete blessing!  I wouldn't have experienced that without this trial.  The closest I have come to it was when I had uterine cancer -- so many people came out of the woodwork to express love for me.  Funny how I was filled with peace and hope then.  This feels like the exact opposite, but I know that's a lie because the outcome will be the same -- GOD WILL PROTECT ME.  I just have to remind myself of that minute by minute.  I think, at this time, I am my own worst enemy, because I keep believing the negative thoughts and fear.

So, the long and short (too late) of it is, please keep praying.  Thank you for loving me through this.  Thank you for praying and putting up with me. 

Oh, I just remembered this.  That meeting I had today with a former coworker?  She hasn't seen me since, maybe January.  At the end she said, rather sheepishly, "Have you lost some weight?"  I said, "Yep.  61.2 pounds."  She said, "I KNEW IT!"  Funny that people are sensitive in asking about weight-loss.  They don't want to offend me.  I think it's sweet.  It obviously doesn't offend me.  I know I don't look "great" -- but I do look different, and, different is better.  I actually ran into a friend of a friend 2 weeks ago, in a little tea shop.  When we rounded the corner and saw each other, we both jumped.  I said, "Hi!  I wasn't expecting to see anyone I knew!"  She said, "I absolutely did not recognize you!"  I guess I'm in a weight-loss (witness) relocation program.

I wonder if I could lose enough weight where I could go back to my old job and they wouldn't notice I was there?  (smirk)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

R3P2D3/25 - I may be stressed, but I'm losing weight

April 11, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 (Very Low Calorie) Day 3 of 25

I've lost 8.7 pounds so far.  On Tuesday morning (my first weigh-in after Day 1 on Monday), I lost my best first day loss yet -- 5.4 pounds.  WOW.  I guess it paid that I was so stressed out with work that I couldn't eat dinner or drink my water.  Yesterday, I did eat my meals and still was only at about 54 ounces of water (compare that to the 120+ ounces I was drinking in R2P2), and this morning, I was down 3.3.  So, of the many good things that are coming out of me being so scared that I can't see straight sometimes, at least this program is still working.  I'm in a new decade (from where I ended in P2), and I'm 5.9 away from a decade that I've been out of since 2003 (at best).  I am looking forward to seeing that one again.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, both with weight and with work.  I don't like that I'm being this negative and whining all of the time.  But, I will tell you that I appreciate every single one of you who has offered me support and who is praying for me.  PLEASE don't stop.  I will need prayer every single day for peace and not giving into fear and strength for at least the next 3 months.  If not more.  Please, keep praying for me.  I wasn't even this scared when I had cancer and was facing surgery.  So, this is serious.  I don't know why, but it is.

The good thing is, my heart is broken.  Broken in a good way, because I know with every ounce of my being, that I need God.  I need Him to help me breathe sometimes.  Other times, it makes me cry when I hear a song (like "God is my Rock" by Glad -- "God is my rock.  Whom shall I fear?  No one.  No one can harm me.") it's because I know the truth of it.  I'm being brought low by (humbled at) what is before me.  I know I am not able to do anything on my own -- so any success I have, I know will be from the Lord.  Any failure, I know God will allow only to teach me.  Now, if my head and my heart would only remember that at the same time.

I should go.  I have a HUGE day tomorrow (not as big as Tuesday, when I worked 7:30 a.m. to 10 p.m., but still big as I'm running a very big meeting at 7:30 a.m.)  So, I better sign off.  But, before I do, let me say this ... thank you, dear friends, for your prayers and your encouragement.  I feel so selfish because I'm talking all about me.  Of course, this IS a blog about me.  : )  But, I wish I had a better way of telling you/showing you how much your love and support and prayers mean to me.  But, all I have are my words (and tears) right now.  Thank you.  Please keep praying that I will not give into a spirit of Fear.  "Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world."

Monday, April 9, 2012

R3P2D1/26 - The (Phase 1) Loading is Done ... whew!

April 9, 2012

Round 3, Phase 2 Very Low Calorie Day (VLCD) 1/26

Well, I finished loading, as of this morning.  I am up 2.5 from loading for 3 days.  That's less than the last 2 Rounds as I've loaded.  I feel like that's good (not gaining more than 3 pounds in 3 days of food fest), but maybe it'll hurt me in the long run.  I don't get the exact science behind eating food like this on a diet, but it works.  It's not that I wasn't eating like I should -- I ate each day at each meal until I felt that I couldn't any more.  That's what loading is all about.  I ate until I didn't want to eat whatever I was eating (sometimes, one bite was enough, sometimes a couple of helpings).  So, there it is.  2.5 pounds in 3 days.  In the past, I'd probably have gained that in one day!  On my first day of loading, I was still within Last Dosage Weight (LDW), but I was up a bit (about 1.2 pounds), so in all, I'm saying I gained 3.7 pounds. 

So, as of this morning, I am officially 51.0 pounds down from where I was on October 17, 2011, when I started this HCG journey.  That's an easy number for me to remember.  Now, I'm in P2.  It's nice to be back.  It's also nice to be doing my shortest round of P2 (26 days, instead of 31 and 35).  I want to be in P3 before my Gram's 98th birthday on May 8.  So, I'll start P3 on May 4 (Friday).  That way, I can get some of the see-saw out of the way before her big day.  In the first two Rounds, I used  healingpowerwithin drops.  This time, after a bunch of research, I switched to Miracle Skinny Drops, which has more stuff in them (vitamins, etc.), so I'm hoping to have.  I'm praying that will help me do well in R3.  If I can lose the 0.5-1.0 pound daily average, I could lose between 13 - 26 pounds this round.  Of course, you know which number I'm HOPING it will be.  If I lose 26 pounds, I will be lower than I've been since August 24, 2011.  Yes, ONE day, and I remember it well.  I got to the lowest weight I'd seen (and still have seen) in 6 years (at that time, now it's 16 years) and the next day, back up.  I was doing WW for the first time.  Anyway, if I can lose 26 pounds in this Round, I will beat that weight by 1 pound.  That's a MAJOR goal.  But, honestly, I'll be happy with 15 pounds off (that's move me out of this decade, and through another one).  

I better log off.  I'm using a vacation day today, so I can cook all of my chicken and fish for the 26 days (I want to be 100% prepared with food cooked, because I know work will exhaust me this time). I'm going to force myself to eat and drink what I'm supposed to, so I can lose, because I just don't want to eat.  I guess that's how this new job makes me feel -- like throwing up because of fear of failure.  You know the old sob story.

So, I'll leave you with this thought -- one of the points that my pastor preached about yesterday really reasonated with me (they all did, but point #1 was just what I personally needed to hear).  We were studying John 20:19-31.  

Ritch's first point was, "We receive a freedom from FEAR."  The disciples had just either watched, or fled from watching, the death of their closest friend on Earth.  Those that stayed (John), watched their best friend die an excruciatingly painful 6 hour death, only 2 days before.  They were huddled in an upper room, whispering about what to do next.  They were afraid of what would happen to them, what they should do next, and grieving the loss of Jesus.  They were probably even reeling from the pain of what Judas had done (betraying Jesus, then killing himself).  He had been their friend, too, for the last 3 years.  It was a whirlwind.  I'm sure many were feeling major guilt about fleeing and leaving Jesus in the hands of Rome.  

What happened next?  Jesus appeared to them.  That was shocking enough.  But, what did He say?  "Thanks a lot, guys, for sticking with me."  "You jerks could have raised an army.  Way to have my back."  "You are all going to hell because you left me."  Nope.  He said, "Peace be with you."  PEACE.  He had pity on them, because He knew their hearts were frightened and traumatized.  He wanted them to know everything was alright.  As Pastor Ritch said yesterday, "Our passionate shepherd knows His troubled sheep need to be calmed.  He knows that a troubled heart is serious business.  Condemnation is gone.  Many are the afflictions (sickness, failure, persecution) of man to man, but God will deliver us from all.  They killed Jesus' body, but only for a time.  What can man do to me with God on my side?"

"When we are afraid that God will condemn us for fearing (aka: not trusting), remember how He reacted to his disciples who had fled (or denied Him) after he was taken by the Romans to be crucified.  When He rose from the dead and appeared to them (freaking them out -- was He a ghost? were their eyes deceiving them?), His first concern was to comfort them.  Comfort.  I am clinging to that when the fear of the world (this new, seemingly impossible job) comes crashing in.  I pray, that whatever you are facing today, you remember Jesus' words ... "Peace be with you."  HE is that peace.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

R2P4D40/41 -- Gearing up for a new Round (starting on Saturday)

April 4, 2012

Round 2 Phase 4 (moderatly eating what I want) Day 40 / 41

Before I talk about this food thing, I just have to be transparent with you.  I am consumed with this new job, and technically, I don't start until May 1.  They are PILING on the work, and I mean PILING.  I have no idea how I'm going to be able to do this workload in 10 hour (no lunch, no break, barely drink) days, let alone in 24 hours a day.  I cry (from being overwhelmed) at the drop of a hat now, it seems.  But, I'm talking about it and not shaming myself for being weak, because I know tears are God's way of helping people cope.  It's just weird, that I can go from "normal" happy me, to a freaked out, crying ball of emotions overnight.  I believe this is about 2 weeks of feeling more and more overwhelmed (each day, I think, it's gotta get better today), and nope.  It piles on more.  I think I've cried no less than 6 times today -- kind words from Mom, Gram, a coworker -- oh boy.  I guess I'm in trouble.  This job can't kill me (because God gave it to me), but it sure feels like it's sucking the life out of me.  Obviously, your prayers and encouragement and patience with me are MAJORLY coveted and appreciated by me.

I need to remember this:

Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.  Proverbs 3:25-26
Fortunately, my new boss is a wonderfully calm and forgiving person (we've worked together before) and my team (at least the 3 that I've met) who report to me seem to be kind and very capable.  My schedule is already packed (and I mean, wall-to-wall) every day.  Since Cat HR groups tend to be rather tempremental and a bit back-stabbing, I'm praying that I can get into and out of this job every day without anything sticking out of my back.  And with joy that normally is a major part of my life.  I must admit, I feel very little joy right now.  It's mostly fear. 

So, since I've worked insane hours, no lunch, no potty breaks for the last two-ish weeks, I'm taking a break right now.  Whether my work load says it or not.  I can't believe I'm writing that.  But, there it is.  Last weekend, I spent time with some of my beloved people and, yet, in the middle of doing something I love (playing games, watching movies, taking a hike, talking, even laughing -- my favorite), I would feel what felt like a literal kick in the stomach when something about work would pop into my brain.  "How AM I going to do this?" is the common thought.  I am not normally a distracted person from the blessings God has given me.  And yet, I'm fighting (and losing, right now) that battle. 

At least I don't feel like eating.  I couldn't even stomach breakfast, and here it is, 1 pm and I haven't eaten anything yet.  Boy, I should lose like gang-busters this upcoming Round.  Except you HAVE to eat your calories.  Gulp.  

Since I'm getting ready to start Round 3, my goal is to try to blog every day in P2.  It's so much more interesting to blog (and I hope to read) when I'm actually losing weight.  Stop back from time to time to see if I've started blogging more, now that I'm going back into P2.  If you aren't on the notification list (meaning, when I publish, you get an email) and you want to me, let me know!  It's so encouraging for me to read your encouragement in the doldrums of a stall (for example).

I start Round 3 on Saturday (loading Saturday and Sunday).  Sunday, as you know, is Easter, but it is also (you may not know), my Dad's 68th birthday.  Happy birthday, Dad!  So, I planned on loading that day, so I can start P2 on Monday, April 9, and go until Friday, May 4.  I want to be in P3 by my Gram's 98th birthday (which is May 8).  I might, thanks to the official start date of this job, move my end of P2 to April 30 (so when I start in Morton on May 1, officially, I won't be eating P2 foods, in case they "force" me to have lunch with them -- I won't have to explain myself).  But that would only give me 22 days in P2, instead of 25.  This is already going to be the shortest round I do, and I'd really, REALLY like to lose at least 20 pounds.  That'll be a stretch, if Round 2 was any indication.  I did R2 for 34 days and lost (as of today's stabilization weight) exactly 23 pounds.  So, maybe I should say, I'll be happy with 10 - 15 pounds.  That sounds SO tiny for an amount lost.  But, I've already got R4 planned (loading on July 21 - 22), and that round will be nice and long (40 days-ish). 

Anyway, the thing that I think is cool about all of this is, as I was planning this in September/early October last year, I had no idea when I planned this short Round, that I would be THIS stressed out as I embarked on it.  And, that's kind of cool.  I have 2 Rounds under my belt (which is MUCH smaller, thanks to hHCG, God, your prayers and supports and my efforts), so I feel like I don't have to spend as much time preparing.  Maybe that'll come back to bite me in the rear, though.  I DO plan on cooking all of my chicken and fish on Monday (I have taken that day off to prepare) for all of my meals this Round, and I haven't given much thought to loading food.  Remember last time when I had a list prepared?  Maybe I should revisit that.  I do know that I want movie theater popcorn.  And Kitchen Cooked Potato chips.  And, pie.  Yah, I think it's time to revisit the list.

Here are the Bible verses that have meant so much to me in times of trouble ... which means, now:
  • I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
  • … choose this day whom ye will serve … Joshua 24:15
  • The righteous cry out & the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
    Psalm 34:17
  • You enlarged my path under me so my feed did not slip. 
    Psalm 18:36
  • Go in peace and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.1 Samuel 1:17
  • … and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Psalm 51:12b
  • The Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your guard.
    Isaiah 52:12
  • Ask and it will be given to you; seek and ye shall find; knock and the door shall be opened unto you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.Matthew 7:7-8
  • If you have the faith of a mustard seed … nothing will be impossible for you.Matthew 17:20
  • Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body …Luke 12:22

  • Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.John 14:27 
  • … but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.John 16:33

  • In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.Romans 8:37

  • Let us not weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Galatians 6:9


 Have a blessed Easter!  I'll be going to church with Mom and Gram tomorrow night for Good Friday service, and on Easter with Dad and Carol.  I'm really excited!  May God's message of salvation reach the ears and hearts of everyone on Earth this Easter!